Very serious movies come out this summer

Welcome to my 2013 summer movie preview. I recently watched a movie in an expensive theater, where they show roughly an hour and a half of movie trailers that will come out this summer. So I am an expert.

But it’s still spring, you may declare. Shhh! Don’t tell the movie theaters yet. The new official start of the summer movie season is: spring break. Suddenly all the movies that end with explosions, that usually come in the summer, are starting now. Anytime there are teenagers with free time and money is a good time for a summer movie, the studios have decided.

As far as I can tell, every movie this summer will have two requirements:

1. They must all have someone jumping off of a large cliff, only to be saved at the last minute.

2. They must all star Morgan Freeman.

It’s important for a summer movie to have a strong moral. For example, a popular moral I picked up from the movie previews is that, no matter how old you get as an actor, you can still make action movies. There was a time when super heroes were teenagers. Now they sport distinguished gray sideburns. But that’s okay. Even old actors have to have jobs, and super heroes in a summer movie never get arthritis.

There were two back-to-back previews that I’m pretty sure were the same movie. It was a movie where the world as we know it was destroyed, and earth become treacherous and hostile. These movies are so relaxing. We sit, we watch the world be destroyed, and then we go back to being mundane, but the world seems so much nicer compared to what we just watched. Although every once in a while, it would be fun to run through a minefield and survive like they do in the movies.

There was also a loud cartoon featuring Neanderthals, because Neanderthals are the first things that come to mind when making a kids’ movie. According to this movie, Neanderthals spoke entirely in slang. Maybe Neanderthal extinction didn’t come because of their limited brain capacity; maybe they invented an early form of texting, which reduced communication over time to grunts and whistles.

This preview also used the same joke twice. It’s not encouraging when a movie uses a joke previously used in the movie. It’s worse when a movie preview repeats the same joke just 30 seconds after you heard it the first time. If that’s the only joke in the whole movie, no thank you, I already heard it.

But at least it had a joke. Most of the other movies were very serious affairs, with grim, shadowy images and music that sounded like someone was taking violin lessons. They were very serious, until you thought about the films’ premise, most which involved men in tights deciding to save the world. If you thought about how ridiculous that is, then the previews were hilarious.

The previews didn’t leave much to the imagination. Each of them had the entire plot summarized into a minute and a half commercial. I’m not sure how I feel about watching an entire movie that can sum up its plot in a little over a minute. I guess I’ll have to wait for fall.

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