Someone buy me a butter churn

There’s no denying it, I eat healthy. For example, all that ice cream I ingest, that has important calcium in it. And all those donuts have grains, at least what was grain at one time. It’s all healthy.

But not everyone agrees. For example, I was listening to a call-in radio show the other day, with a dietician as the guest. A concerned aunt called in about her nephew, who only eats unhealthy stuff like peanut butter sandwiches all the time. If peanut butter is unhealthy, what am I going to do with my freezer full of Creamies?

Luckily, the dietician came to my rescue. “Peanut butter isn’t necessarily unhealthy,” the dietician said. I’m glad someone justified at least one major part of my diet.

But it is often hard to tell what is healthy. My children’s cereal claims it has nine essential vitamins and minerals, which sounds healthy, but the main ingredient is marshmallows. On the healthy/unhealthy scale, marshmallows rate right behind candy bars and right before nuclear waste.

And there’s a lot of other children’s food I wonder about. Like, when did fruit snacks stop being candy? And are graham crackers all that much different from squished and dried cake?

Eggs used to be unhealthy, full of cholesterol and fatty acids. They’ve now decided that fatty acids and cholesterol, and least some of it, are good for you, and now eggs are like the most healthy food on the planet. Step aside, bran muffin, you are full of carbs.

Sometimes though, the list of healthier and healthier items keep getting smaller. Most of us would think a banana is healthy, but they’re full of sugars. Broccoli is at least safe. Right? Right?! I just looked it up, and it appears that it doesn’t have quite as many vitamins as they thought it did.

So even broccoli is out. But we still have ancient grains. One time I ate a health food sample of some ancient grains. They looked pretty good, with the promise of some earthy nuttiness. Maybe healthy could taste good, I thought. Instead they tasted kind of like… garbage. Someone is suffering from some earthy nuttiness, but it wasn’t those grains. Seriously, they tasted like they were literally ancient grains. You know, grains that were hiding away in some pyramid corner for 3,500 years, which someone found and tried to market.

All this unhealthy food comes from having too much too close at hand. We just eat and eat and eat all day, and don’t get any exercise at all. The only solution as I see it, is we have to get rid of all these modern, technological doodads. No more computers, and no more drive-thrus. Instead, we all better start buying butter churns.

For the exercise, of course, because butter is definitely not good for you. At least not this week.

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