Can’t get my brain to chase a deer

I’m surrounded by people who are trying to be better. They try to watch less TV, throw away less garbage, exercise more and eat less. But I don’t know of any 90-year-olds who are trying to lose weight, and they’ve been around a long time. I say we follow their lead for the key to longevity.

We live at an interesting time. Every other time people were good, not because they necessarily wanted to be, but because they had to be. Most people in the history of the world had an easy time keeping themselves from overeating, just because there was nothing to overeat. And they did not waste any time trying to kill zombies in a video game, because obviously there were no video games and no zombies.

Of course, there were plenty of sins to go around at just about any time in humankind’s past. They may have not had video games glorifying violence and war, but they glorified violence and war anyway. Maybe it’s a good thing we stick to video games.

I read once we were designed to chase down deer until the deer wore out. That’s what our ancient ancestors had to do. We were designed to run marathons, just to get a bite to eat. The smartest people have found this out, and they are out running marathons. The rest of us are not so smart. For example, here is the conversation I had with my brain the other day:

“Brain, I should run a marathon,” I say.

“Yes! That’s a good idea. We could win! We could be champions! Wha.. wait just a minute. I’m getting a message from the legs. I don’t think the legs are on board with your plan.”

“But that’s why I need to run. Those legs need to get in shape.”

“Oh, those legs aren’t in shape, eh? That means we wouldn’t win. And if we don’t win, we would not be champions! I feel lousy. Let’s eat ice cream.”

“But we will feel good if we tried.”

“The last time we tried we lasted for five minutes and felt like we were going to die. It did not feel good. What we need is some sense of accomplishment. What we need is to kill some zombies. Quick! Before they invade the planet!”

“Brain, there’s no such thing as zombies.”

“Of course there is. I see them all the time. One lurks around the backyard at night, waiting for its chance to attack.”

“That’s the neighbor’s cat.”

“Let’s shoot it!”

“That might be the best plan you’ve had all day.”

“No, the best plan is this one: eat all the leftover ice cream.”

“But I was designed to chase down deer until they got tired.”

“You were designed to eat all the left over ice cream! In the world! With caramel sauce!”

“Well, someone’s got to eat that leftover ice cream. And I don’t have a hunter’s license.”

“That’s the spirit! Now, move those legs! If you can, I mean.”

And so the brain always wins. Its power of deduction astounds me. It’s like my brain is practicing some sort of mind control over me. And that’s probably the weirdest sentence I’ve ever written. I’d better go; I have an appointment with some ice cream.

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