Bond action not as hard as fatherhood

I recently watched a commercial for the new James Bond movie. In the movie, 007 is driving a truck with a beautiful woman who must be very important to the plot (well, it is a James Bond film) while an airplane chases them. The airplane’s wings somehow get knocked off, but it still keeps careening towards them, while Bond looks cooly out the windshield, as if wondering where they could stop for a milkshake.

But I say that’s nothing. As a father of four, I want to see him do all that and change a diaper at the same time. Now that might cause James Bond’s eye to twitch a little.

Fatherhood provides much more real excitement in life than anything James Bond could dish up. Not that he doesn’t have any children. Statistically speaking, he ought to have dozens, though his attempts at family life would help if he had a girlfriend live for a day or two.

But we all know James’ real reason for not settling down and having a family. Being a spy is so much easier than real life. Just try making a correct PBJ sandwich for a three-year-old. Such an impossible task makes bombing an embassy in Mexico City look easy (right answer: heavy on the peanut butter, light on the jam, only on one piece of bread folded in half, no crust).

But as hard a challenge as making PBJ is, changing a diaper on the go is really the test in parenthood.

I started categorizing diaper changes. Category one is changing a quiet, two-month-old, non-poopy baby, on a changing table. This rarely happens. A category ten is changing a one-year-old baby in the car at night when he is tired and hungry and has a poopy diaper. I’ll tell you: there is more action in this scene than anything James Bond has ever accomplished. Trying to track down a baby with a naked bum in a mini-van before he wipes said bum all over the upholstery has enough intensity in it to fill dozens of action movies.

Another scene in the preview has a helicopter doing a barrel roll, spinning in a loop-da-loop fashion. Bond is probably driving a helicopter and beating on the baddies at the same time. It’s not all that much different than being a dad. If he was with his kids instead of beating the baddies, he’d be saying he’s going to turn this helicopter around right now if they don’t stop fighting. And then he does the barrel roll, just to show he’s serious.

Another scene has him looking out on rubble of a destroyed building. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the same look on my face, only with a destroyed bedroom.

As you can probably tell, I’m no big James Bond fan. But I know why dads like to watch him so much. It’s just so relaxing.

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