Star Wars sequels wear me down

I’m a little bit of a Star Wars fan, so every time I watch a Star Wars movie I feel compelled to write about it. Once again, here is a tirade on the new Star Wars movies, done in conversation style this time. Please forgive me. (Note: there are some spoilers ahead).

Star Wars Fan: I loved watching the three original Star Wars movies as a kid!

Star Wars Writers: We have news for you! We’re making more Star Wars movies!

Star Wars Fan: Great! Sequels to the originals!

Star Wars Writers: Yes, there will be sequels, but there will also be prequels.

Star Wars Fan: Wait. Prequels? I thought we learned this lesson. Our heroes didn’t start out very happy, and so prequels sound depressing.

Star Wars Writers: They will be, but only when they’re not aggravating.

Star Wars Fan: Will they have huge gaping plot holes that don’t match the originals like those other prequels George Lucas made?

Star Wars Writers: We hope so.

Star Wars Fan: Gah! Tell me about the sequels though. They will be better, right?

Star Wars Writers: The sequels will have the original characters like Luke, Leia and Han.

Star Wars Fan: Great!

Star Wars Writers: Who you will get to watch die while defeating the Empire.

Star Wars Fan: Noooo! Wait, didn’t they already defeat the Empire?

Star Wars Writers: No. It’s still there. Always ruling the universe. We did change the name if it makes you feel better.

Star Wars Fan: So they accomplished nothing from the original movies?

Star Wars Writers: Do you really want us to come up with original ideas? But there are plucky new characters!

Stars Was Fan: I have a bad feeling about this. Do they die too?

Star Wars Writers: It’s hard to say. Sometimes they just get maimed.

Star Wars Fan: Well, it is Star Wars. Maiming is an integral part of the movies.

Star Wars Writers: See! We knew you would enjoy these new movies. And even if you don’t, every one of the movies has a hanging ending, so you will be required to watch them all.

Star Wars Fan: Nooooo!

Star Wars Writers: Ha ha ha. Your journey to the Dark Side is now complete. You will watch all of the sequels we make, for years and maybe even decades to come.

Star Wars Fan: Yes, my masters.

Thanks for reading!

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